joys of august.

a quick, simple list of things that have brought me joy this month.

touring properties with acreage.
making an offer + going into escrow on our first home.
taking some big steps on exciting plans for the future.
long phone calls with my best friends to catch up whenever we have the time.
having a life-changing energetic experience.
buying G school supplies for the first time.
watching Isla take her first couple of unassisted steps.
my youngest brother coming up to visit.
almond milk mocha fudge dairy free ice cream bars by so delicious.
talking about potential updates we want to make on the house when it’s ours.
daydreaming about all of the memories we will make there.

one step forward.

I just wanted to kind of give everyone a little update with some stuff going on in my life. I don’t even know where to start and it already feels weird sitting down to type it out for several reasons. I don’t want pity or for people to feel bad for me, but I also value the relationships in my life whether you’re an old friend for life from high school, or a newer friend that I talk to regularly in this little space, and I don’t want to feel like I’m hiding anything or keeping anyone in the dark. If the roles were reversed, I would want to know because I truly care— so here we go.

My health has been in poor condition for a long time. I am not well. My very closest friends and family know this, but other than that, I don’t really ever mention it. My husband is the only one who really knows, because he has seen the progression over the last 10 years, particularly the last two, and the true extent that it has on my everyday life. He sees the things I cannot do anymore, the things I struggle with, the time that I lose to feeling sick.

My mind is kind of all over the place, and I don’t want to spend days overanalyzing and editing this; I’m just letting it out as it comes— so please don’t judge my format (or lack thereof) of this jumbled piece.

My symptoms are all over the place. Exhausted regardless of how much sleep I do or don’t get, lightheaded, brain fog, cannot think clearly, vision problems, my hair is falling out (much more than my normal postpartum hair loss), my skin is dry, my scalp is dry and itchy, I’m underweight, my joints ache, my muscles are weak, more headache days than not, mood swings, irritability, lack of patience, detachment, anxiety, depression, I mean I could go on and on.

I’ve seen countless health care providers over the years, from Western doctors to naturopaths,  chiropractors and acupuncturists, and never really gotten any solid answers. My symptoms have seemed to change drastically over the last year or so, where food has become a major issue. I feel like I can’t eat anything without feeling sick before finishing my meal, whether it’s a racing heart, total lightheadedness and delirium, nausea, etc. So I thought I would try my luck with a holistic nutritionist who also does energy work.

I have only had one session with her so far, but I am feeling hopeful overall. I had a lot of blood work done, and have received more information than ever before. Everything is shot, some things new and some things old. Some of these things include my thyroid, adrenals, autoimmune issues, blood sugar, nutrient absorption and digestion, neurotransmitters, liver issues, inflammation, etc. Literally every bodily system needs support and repair. Honestly, as unsurprised as I am, it’s a little overwhelming. Still, I am so thankful to just have some answers. One of the most frustrating things to hear is a provider tell me that on paper I am “okay,” when I don’t feel anything near okay, and haven’t in a very long time.

I am also looking forward to the energy work we are going to be doing over the next 90 days. I feel that a lot of these issues may stem from or at least be related to emotional issues from my childhood and teenage years that have been pushed aside and had no where to go other than to manifest in my physical body. My energy centers are blocked and I can feel it. It is a little unnerving to think about actually having to process so many things that I have worked so hard on pushing down and ignoring throughout my life. However, I have come to a fork in the road of my life, and I am choosing wellness. I am choosing wellness for my children, my husband, my family, my friends, and myself, as weird as it feels to even say that.

So much of my life is focused on other people; making sure other people are happy and taken care of and nurtured. It is something I do not take lightly, being a wife and mother, and I’m honored to do so, but at some point I have to step back and acknowledge that I need to take care of myself too. It’s like I know what I need to do… but why is it so hard? Why is it so hard to nourish ourselves in every sense of the word? Why is it so hard to acknowledge that we too deserve this love and care from ourself? That we, too, are worthy. I am going to work on figuring out why.

I have a lot of work to do mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I’m just getting started and have already felt so many emotions— this intense eclipse energy AND Mercury being in retrograde (AGAIN) is surely not helping. Intensity is everywhere and I am fully feeling it, just like many others. Right now, I am scared, excited, nervous, and hopeful. I just want to feel NORMAL. I want to let my light shine, just as everyone deserves to do. I want to feel at peace, to feel joyful, to feel strong, to feel more good than bad. It will take time, but I will get there.

As a starting point, I am cutting out dairy, gluten, and refined sugar from my diet. I am currently on day 2, and I am feeling tired, hungry, and have had a headache since yesterday. I was reminded by a friend a while back that it will always get worse before it gets better, and I am holding on to that truth. I will also be adding a plethora of supplements to my routine in the next couple days.

As always, I appreciate the love and support my friends near and far offer me so freely. I love each one of you and that is why I wanted to open up about this a little more publicly, despite how scary being so vulnerable can be. This is nothing new, but please do not take it personally if I don’t respond to messages, texts, answer the phone, etc. in the coming weeks and months. I am confident in saying that all of my friends know that I am horrible about replying (it’s either right away if I am able or like… hours/days later. I’m sorry!!), but I am just trying to be mindful of where I’m spending my energy and how much I am saying “yes” to. I desperately need white space in my life. I need margin, I need room to breathe— to heal. I appreciate those in my life giving me grace and being so understanding of that.

I’m not even going to read this through before hitting publish. Please excuse any grammatical or formatting mistakes, I’m just not worried about it right now. It feels good to get it out and speak my truth. Thank you so much, friends. Love & light to you all.